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Fear of the Unknown

I am sure that I am not the only one afraid of the unknown when it comes to ones Health. The hardest part is running into others who are worse off than I am at this time. You could say I have seen the future of my life as it goes on the way it is going right now. I have stated before on my blog that I am wheelchair bound not able to walk anymore nor move my right leg. This is what brings out the Fear of the Unknown for me when it comes to Loved ones and friends which are few and far between since I walked away from them all.

The Fear of the Unknown brings out all the anger built up inside along with the resentment of other people in general. Being in a wheelchair people do not see me and speak out of turn about the disabled people (they never look around before speaking). They always seem to have a derogatory remark or two to say before I am seen then they backtrack on what was said before.

I do not look sick like many others do and I love being out of my home not old and useless like people believe I should be at this stage of illness. This is one of the many reasons some stay at home alone like I do except for Medical appointments because of the ridicule from others. With no knowledge people can not understand what any disease does to someone who suffers in pain without showing it. This is when and where questions come into the picture if some are not scared to ask them.

How can you know something without asking or seeking knowledge of a problem?  You can not unless you are a person with the illness or you ask someone general questions. There is nothing wrong with not knowing about or the cause of the Disease. I knew little about M.S. until I was Diagnosed and then I did Research to learn the Questions to ask my Neurologist.

Are you the opposite and have The Fear of Knowing about a Chronic Disease? Sometimes even I have the Fear of Knowing what could or is happening to me due to my M.S. and how it is progressing

The common F.A.Q.

No M.S. is not a Contagious Disease
No M.S. does not leave everyone totally disabled
No M.S. is not hereditary
No M.S.  is not always noticeable as each case is different
No there is no cure
No there s not a true cause of M.S.

Yes M.S. can kill
Yes M.S. is a Chronic Disease
Yes there is different stages that some go thru
Yes some Medications work
Yes there is always Research going on
Yes a cure/cause is close to being had

09/28/09

Never knowing what to expect with the waking up every morning. Are you able to use your legs and/or arms to accomplish your goals in life? Are you able to feel with hands/ feet or are they numb of feeling? Is your mind as sharp as you need it or do you have memory lapse in your concentration?  Are you emotionally stable or depressed? Do you have the support you need everyday?

These are questions I ask myself everyday when I awaken and the answers are never the same. I will answer these from my experience and mindset then and now. The fear of not knowing is a fear of what is to come from your actions.

09/29/09

My hands and feet are working and feeling instead of being numb like every morning. Today is a good day for me as I feel like I can accomplish anything that I am faced to complete. As the day progresses it is harder to complete as Fatigue starts to be a factor.

My mind is not as sharp as I need it when comes to finishing a task but it will take me longer because of the shorter attention span than most people. Keeping focused on one task is getting harder each day as my thoughts keep jumping around many tasks at once. I have what I call wandering mind syndrome.

Am I sane or insane is a good question if you call Depression insane. I would have to say I am insane 35% of the time and sane 65% of the time.  We all know Depression does not mean you are insane but it does show a good example.

Yes I have the support I am in need of with more if needed just by asking for it.

12/08/09

Being afraid of the future problems in our lives comes naturally when you have a disabling disease. I have this fear everyday because of the nature of my M.S. which varies hourly with my exertion level. My fear of never walking again is becoming stronger as my legs are losing  their muscle strength more everyday.

I am hoping the program I am in helps with this problem as I plan on continuing with the next level of exercise program The Living Well group. They are a good group of Instructors I have now and hope to continue with them.

01/01909

I have had bad luck lately with Caregivers being hurt or not wanting to continue with me. An example  being the one Caregiver who did all of my weekday Caregiver duties has been gone for 6 to 8 weeks. I hope she will return soon. Two Caregivers slipped on ice and hurt themselves where one will not be back. They are all ones who gained my trust and friendship. Wishing them all a speedy recovery and pray for their health to return.

02/02/10

My Health has gone into a downward spiral as my legs have grown weaker making it harder to learn to walk once again. This is the frustrating part as I watch children take their first steps wishing it was that easy for me. The thought of losing the use of my legs scares me the most.